On Your Mark, Get Set... Date/Script
and Nikki are staring into each other's eyes. Nikki: "You know who's the cutest guy around?" Jonesy: "I am." Nikki: "Ope, hold on." looks around. "Yep! Looks like you win the big prize: me." kisses him, and they giggle. Jen: "Ugh, do you mind?" Jude: "Nasty!" Jen: "Some of us are still single, and lonely?" Caitlin: "Yeah. I'm totally wasting my high school sweetheart years." Nikki: "Try going on a date or something." Wyatt: "It's been one heck of a dating dry spell." Jen: "And, even if you're lucky enough to get a date, you know within the first five minutes the person sucks." Caitlin: "But then, you've still gotta get through a two-hour dinner." Nikki: "You know what you guys should try? Speed dating." laughs. Caitlin: "That's a great idea!" Nikki: "Uh, no. That was a joke, and only a joke. In the event of a real suggestion, you'll be notified without a sarcastic tone, okay?" Jonesy: "Hold them horses, Nikki, you're on to something there! I could use a new job, and this could be just the ticket!" stares at him. "Yeah that's right, I got fired from my job cleaning vacuum cleaners? Way too confusing. Anyway, ten bucks a head, times twenty daters, that's uh, carry the six, a ton of coin!" Nikki: "Ugh." Jonesy: "With the participation fee at a reasonable ten dollars, how can you say no? C'mon, guys. Pay up." ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''On Your Mark, Get Set...Date' ---- ''and Caitlin are sitting at the table. Jen: "I still don't know about this speed dating thing. I don't think I can handle speed rejection." Jonesy: up with Nikki "Ha ha, the dating candidates are rolling in, ka-ching! Puh-raise loneliness!" Caitlin: "Don't worry, I'll show you how to attract every guy at the event." Jonesy: "Oh yeah?" Caitlin: "It's all about being positive and doing whatever you can to make them like you." Jonesy: "Nah. You gotta be unattainable, not nice! Now that's hot." Caitlin: "No! You've gotta be sweet and open to anything!" Jen: "Not nice sounds like a lot less work." Jonesy: "We'll make the event a dating method face-off. Whoever scores the most follow-up dates wins." Caitlin: "You're on." Nikki: "Ignore these two and their dating dysfunction! Just–be yourself." Jonesy: "Fff. Waste of time! I haven't been myself in years!" Nikki: "...yeah. Remind me what I see in you again?" ---- bunch of people have gathered to speed date. Jonesy: Jen "Okay, so what you want to do is keep telling yourself none of these guys are good enough, no matter how hot they are." Wyatt: "You got anything for me?" Jonesy: "Hmm. Well, if you don't know what to talk about, try singing. I mean, that is your forte." Wyatt: "Go on." Jonesy: "And by not talking, you'll avoid that foot-in-the-mouth thing you always do." Wyatt: "What? Foot in the mouth? Always?" his forehead "Ugh! Great! Now you've got me all worried about that!" Jonesy: "Go get 'em, tiger." pushes Wyatt forward. Jen: "Oh, I don't know, maybe I should try Caitlin's method instead." Jonesy: "Your choice. But Caitlin is single. You'll notice I'm not. Do the math." out a paper "Let this Jonesy Method cheat sheet be the math that guides you from Lonesometown to Happy Couple-ville." Nikki: "Oh give me that!" snatches it. "Hey! You used these lines on me! What's worse, they worked." Jonesy: "Told ya." elbows him. "Oof!" Jen: "If it worked on Nikki, I guess there's a chance for me." Jonesy: "That's it, off you go." pushes Jen forward and walks to the center of the food court. "Welcome to the first ever Jonesy Speed-Dating Extravaganza. Each date lasts three minutes." starts a stopwatch. "Then we ring the bell and the boys move on to the next table." rings the bell. "At the end, everybody picks the photos of whoever they want to go on a follow-up date with." holds up two photos to demonstrate. One is a nice photo of Caitlin, while the other is an awkward Wyatt. Jonesy: "Picks will be done in private so it's not awk-ward, but both must pick each other to receive that second date offer. Cool?" food court murmurs. Nikki: "Let the games begin!" rings the bell to start the dating session. Jen is at a table with a blonde guy. Jonesy: her memory "You gotta be unattainable! Not nice!" checks her cheat sheet. Jen: "I don't like you." date looks shocked. "Right–now." slaps his forehead. The bell rings. Caitlin: "You'll be happy to know that I'm up for anything." Angry Boy: "I hunt squirrels and dress them in little polyester pants." and Nikki look shocked. Nikki rings the bell. Jude: "Hi. I'm Jude. Nice to meet–" fly flies into his mouth, and he chokes until he finally swallows it. "Anyway–" bell rings. Wyatt: "Um...so..." Jonesy: his memory "Foot in the mouth." doesn't say anything for a few more seconds until he gets the idea to pick up his guitar and play. This goes wrong when his A string breaks, flies across the table, and whips his date's face. Brunette Girl: "Ow!" Wyatt: "Sorry!" bell rings. Caitlin: "You've got a great energy. I love your eyes, and I'm not even lying." Todd: "Uh, if you say so. Uh, do you want me to compliment you back?" Caitlin: "You can if you want to." Todd: "I'm happy to do whatever you want me to do." Caitlin: "Whatever you want." Todd: "No, you." Caitlin: "You." bell rings. Jen has gotten what looks like the same guy. Tom: "Yeah, so I was whitewater rafting and–" Jen: "Yeah, I whitewater rafted once. Had to fight off a river shark." Tom: "Yeah. Wow. Impressive. Actually, once, when I was skydiving–" Jen: "I went skydiving when I was five. Had to fight off an attack helicopter." date opens but then shuts his mouth. The bell rings. Wyatt: his date "Sorry. My guitar string's broken, so–" looks up. "Hey! You're the new barista at Grind Me!" nods. "Cool! Definitely won't be needing this." puts his guitar down. last date comes back to her table and moves to sit down. Jen: "Sorry, wrong table. We just saw each other." Todd: "No we didn't." Jen: "Uh, yeah, we did." Todd: "Sorry, but we didn't." Caitlin: the same guy "Yes, we did! How can you not remember?" Tom: "Yeah, because we didn't?" Caitlin: "Did!" Todd: from Jen's table "Hi Caitlin!" Caitlin: "Gah! Wait, you're twins?" to her date "Well you're the cute one." date sits down. Jen: "Twins. Wow, I didn't–" checks the cheat sheet. Jonesy: her mind "Rule number 3: no matter what, you're always right." Jen: "Like I said, we did speed date already!" Todd: "Well, uh, if you say so!" Jonesy: noticing "Yes!" Nikki "Told you my method is a winner!" rings the bell. Jude sits down at a table across from a nerdy redhead. Jude: "Hey. I'm Jude." Starr: "Jude. It's me." removes her glasses. Jude: "Starr?!? Whoa, head rush. I thought you were all gothtacular!" Starr: "Turns out I'm really smart. I'm big on quantum physics now. And medieval-themed roleplaying games." Jude: "That sounds–um–fun." Starr: "I'm so happy to see you! I want to start things up again." Jude: "I bet, bra. Nerdy girl like you? Must be impossible to get a date." gasps. "Uh, I mean, I've still got more speed dates to go on, plus, you kind of broke my heart." Starr: "But the heart is a very resilient muscle. In fact the human heart beats approximately 2.5 billion times in a lifetime." looks at her, perturbed. Jude: "Ding, oh, looks like our time is up, see ya!" bolts away. Starr: "Hey! You can't do that! I've still got time left!" rings the bell. Starr: "Or not." ---- bunch of photos are laid out on the gang's table. Nikki: "Okay guys, here are the results. Wyatt, only one of the speed dates you picked picked you back." Wyatt: "Aw, man. That's so–" holds up a picture of Cathleen "–perfect! Cathleen's a barista at Grind Me! Can you believe it?" Jonesy: "Is it her you like–" Jen: "Or is it the coffee?" Wyatt: "Please! I'd never use someone like that! I haven't even tasted the coffee! Yet." Caitlin: "So how many guys want to date me?" Nikki: "Pretty much all the guys." Caitlin: "Yes! Then my technique is the big winner! Eee!" Nikki: "Whoa whoa, not so fast. Jen got the thumbs-up from the same number of guys." Jen: "Yes! I'm in Couplestown!" in her seat "Oh yes, uh huh–" Jonesy: "The Jonesy method kicks it! In your face! Hi-five!" leaves him hanging, so Jonesy hi-fives himself. Nikki: "And it looks like you both get to go out with your number one picks." holds up the twins' photos. Wyatt: "Uh oh. Trouble. Same guy." Jude: "They should do it like in the olden days, with swords at fifty paces." Nikki: "How do you have a sword fight at fifty paces?" Jude: "Fifty-foot swords?" Nikki: "Don't worry, they're just twins." Jonesy: "Perfect, we can break the tie! If Caitlin and Jen go on a double date with the twins, we'll find out whose method really works best." Nikki: "Or they could go out on normal dates like normal people." Jen: "I could barely get through three minutes using the Jonesy method! How am I gonna get through a whole date?" Jonesy: "Don't worry, I'll make sure you've got him wrapped around your little finger." Caitlin: "And if Jonesy's method doesn't work, at least you'll prove him wrong, so it's a win-win." Jen: sarcastic "Oh sure, why not. It's only my love life you're messing with." Jonesy and Caitlin: "Great!" Jen: "Agh." slumps. Jude: "Any of the speedy mommasitas wanna see me again?" Nikki: "Just that weird nerdy girl." turns around Starr's picture. "But you didn't pick her back, so–" Jude: "Unnnhh. Starr." table gasps. Jen: "No way." Wyatt: "That's Starr?" Jude: "No, that's Starr." points to Starr, who is walking towards them. Starr: "Hey Jude. Wanna see a movie?" Jude: "Actually–" Starr: "I've already got tickets, here you go." hands him a ticket. Jude: "Uhhh..." friends nod at him with huge smiles. "Okay." Starr: "Great. I'll see you later." leaves. Jude's shoulders slump. Caitlin: "Oh, Jude! Congratulations! You and Starr are so good together." Jude: "But now she's all smart and stuff." Jen: "Ooh. Are you worried you're not gonna be bright enough for her?" Jude: a beat "Now I am." ---- and Jen are on their double date at El Sporto's. Caitlin: "I love that shirt." date hands her a napkin. "Wow! A napkin before I even need it? You're so forward thinking." Jen: "Uh...so..." Todd: "Is something wrong?" Jonesy: from the next booth "Say 'You have to ask? Can't you tell?' Eyes front! Say it!" Jen: "You have to ask? Can't you tell?" Jonesy: whispering "Knock over your drink! Do it!" does so. Todd: it up "Uh–sorry–did I make you do that?" Jen: "Wow." Jonesy: quietly "Yeah. I'm a genius." Caitlin: him "Hey! What are you doi–" Jonesy: "Ssh." creeps away. Jen: "Wait! You can't just–" hands her an earpiece. "Never mind." puts the earpiece in. "Where were we? Oh yeah. Get more napkins." Todd: "Right. Of course. Sorry." date goes off to get more napkins, and Jen silently chortles. Caitlin looks at her angrily and texts someone. Nikki: her phone "Oh. Text from Caitlin." reading "Jonesy's created a Jen monster, you have to help. After all, speed dating was your idea?!? Wh–it's like I can't make a joke with these people! Ugh." ---- walks into Grind Me with a flower. Cathleen is working the register. Wyatt: "Hey there, Cathleen! A flower for your best cup of joe?" sniffs the flower and happily pours him a coffee. Wyatt takes one sip, and his eyes bulge. Suddenly, Cathleen looks to him to be incredibly beautiful. Wyatt: overjoyed "This is the best coffee I have ever tasted in my life!" tear leaks out of his eye. Cathleen: "Uh, it's just a cup of coffee?" Wyatt: "No! You're the best thing that's ever happened to coffee! Uh, I mean me. Happened to me." looks at him oddly. ---- and Starr exit the movie theater. Suddenly, Jude notices something. Jude: whispering "Don't look now, but there's a pack of geeks hovering behind us." Starr: "Hey guys, this is Jude. Jude, these are my friends I told you about." Jude: awkwardly "Uh, nice to meet you." Starr: "If you guys haven't solved that space travel dilemma yet, maybe Jude could help out. Do you have any thoughts on how to change directions in space using a minimal amount of energy?" Jude: thinking "Well, I pulled a sweet board stunt this weekend. I grabbed a pole to swing back around. Didn't slow me down at all." Starr: "Of course! The same way satellites use the gravitational pull of the moon to correct their orbit. You're a genius." Jude: "I'll have to take your word for it, bra." Starr: "No you won't. You can take this IQ test." hands him one. Jude: worried "You carry IQ tests with you?" Starr: "Everyone who joins has to, and then we do them once a month for fun." Jude: "Uh, sure, 'cause tests are super fun. Buuuttt, I can't do it now." Starr: "No worries, it's a take home. But we kind of have a policy? Only people with an IQ of 130 or higher are smart enough to hang with us." friends nod. "A hundred is an average score, and seventy or below is, well, you won't have to worry about that." friends laugh. "But I know you'll ace it. You can write it tonight and we'll find out just how smart you are in the morning." kisses him, and then she and her friends leave. Jude: "Yay. Fun." they're gone, he begins running through the mall. "Anyone here a genius?!?!? For the love of all that's good and holy, is there a genius in this mall?!?!?" ---- and Caitlin are still on their date. Jen has not begun receiving transmissions. Jen: around and whispering "Ugh, where is he?" Caitlin: whispering "Don't worry about it, let's just have a good time with these guys!" Todd: "Are you girls looking for someone?" Jen: "Yeah...I'm..." the checklist "Looking for someone who knows how to mind their own business!" date looks startled. Suddenly, Jonesy's voice crackles in Jen's ear. Jonesy: "Jen. Nod if you can hear me." does. "Sweet. Now repeat after me–" Nikki: "Who are you talking to?" Jen: "Who are you talking to?!?" Todd: "You." Nikki: "I said, who are you talking to?" Jonesy: "This doesn't concern you." Jen: "This doesn't concern you!" Todd: "Okay. Um..." Jonesy: "Ow, leggo of my hair!" Jen: "Ow, let go of my–hair?" Todd: "I-I didn't touch your hair!" Caitlin: "Jen? What's the matter with you?" earpiece squeals in Jen's ear. Jen: "Ow!" takes it out. "Huh? Oh, uh, ow, ooh, migraine." the restaurant, Nikki and Jonesy are fighting. Jonesy: "Ow, c'mon, Nikki! I've gotta coach Jen to prove I'm a dating guru!" grabs his phone and turns it off. "I thought you'd be more supportive of my dreams." Nikki: "Whatever, Dr. Frankendater." Jonesy: "Yeah? Well speed dating was your idea!" Nikki: "Ugh!" Jonesy: "Plus, you're not the boss of me!" runs away. Nikki: "Hey! Dating goofus! Get back here!" gives chase. ---- and Cathleen are sitting by the fountain. Wyatt has a coffee in his hand. Wyatt: "So you don't go to movies, and you don't watch TV...um...what about music? What do you listen to?" Cathleen: "I like country!" looks at her, shocked. Wyatt: "You know, maybe we're not really right for each other–" skates by. Jude: "Geniuses! Looking for geniuses over here!" draft from his skating blows Cathleen's aroma towards Wyatt. Wyatt: "What is that incredible perfume you're wearing?" Cathleen: "It's not perfume, it's just coffee smell left over from work." Wyatt: love "Don't ever change." kisses her. ---- Burger McFlipster's, Wayne is arguing with a patron about movies–and not just yelling, but throttling the customer in order to get his point across. Wayne: "Listen. Dragon Blade is a superior film! Genius is never appreciated." skates up just in time to hear this last bit. Jude: "Right on. Wayne always says he's the smartest dude in the mall." in "I need a genius, and you're the dude. You gotta take this IQ test for me, bro." Wayne: "IQ test?" laughs. "Mere child's play. With some monetary incentive, of course." his hand out "A-heh-hem?" reaches into his pocket and drops a few coins into Wayne's hand. He skates out. Jude: "It's due tomorrow morning!" himself "Problemo solved." ---- walks into the meat locker and sits down. Strangely, there's a TV and a couch in the freezer. Wayne: a movie on TV "Ooh! Kung Footsie. Watching the opening will get my brain working, I know it!" ---- is nervous without Jonesy's guidance. Caitlin: "So, what other dashingly heroic things have you done, Tom?" Tom: "You're a great listener. Let's see. I bungeed off a bridge once." Caitlin: "Wow." Caitlin's thoughts: Who's the dating guru now, Jonesy? comes by wearing a tennis uniform, an afro, and a fake mustache. Jonesy: "Your waiter-a will be right-a with you-a." Jen: "Finally!" Caitlin: "Don't I know..." it out "You!" whispers in Jen's ear, and she smiles. Jen: "Uh, Todd? I'll be needing a foot rub. Now." holds her foot up, and Todd starts massaging it. Nikki skates up in a field hockey uniform and mustache. Nikki: wobbling "Table four needs to be cleared." falls over. Todd: "That's some serious facial hair." Jonesy: "Yah, I already-a clear-a table four-a!" Nikki: "I'll show you how to clear a table!" pulls Jonesy away. Jen: "Please let him stay, I need him!" latches on to Jonesy. Tom: "Well–why do you need a busboy?" Caitlin: "Let the hairy waitress do her job!" helps Nikki pull. Tom: "Whoa! Are you dating her, or me?" Caitlin: "What? I'm only about you, Tom!" lets go of Nikki and comes back over. "Only, absolutely, and flat-out totally about you!" kisses Todd. Jen: "What? Why did you kiss my date?" Caitlin: "What? No! I kissed–oopsie." rushes over and kisses Tom. Jen: "There. Now we're even." Caitlin: "So, that's how you want to play it?" grabs Todd and pulls him into a makeout session. Jen grabs Tom and performs the same procedure. Nikki and Jonesy look on until an actual waitress skates up to them. Waitress: "All right. Everybody out!" six shamble out of the restaurant. Jonesy: Nikki "So, who do you think won the bet?" Nikki: "Uh, Tom and Todd, obviously?" and Todd both have dazed, happy looks on their faces. ---- and Cathleen are sitting by the fountain. Wyatt: "I wrote this song just for you." and playing "When I wake up/The first thing I wanna see/Is you grinding up some love for me/'Cause you're so fine..." Cathleen: "I'm getting the feeling this relationship's just about the coffee." Wyatt: coffee "What? No, of course not! I like you a latte! I mean, a lot." stares at him, unconvinced. ---- is still in the freezer. He's sat through the entire film. TV: "You've been watching Kung Footsie." Wayne: "O-kay! Ha!" starts writing the test, but becomes distracted by another movie now playing. "Exit the Dragon? This is a must-see!" while later, he is shown to have fallen asleep. Now an exercise program is running. His phone rings. TV: "C'mon girls, keep it going! Five, four, three, two, one, keep those knees up!" wakes up and answers his phone. Jude: "Hey bro. I'll be dropping by to pick up the test in about twenty minutes. Cool?" Wayne: "Yeah! Cool!" nervously "Definitely cool, man! Uh, see you soon!" hangs up, looks around nervously, picks up the test, and begins scanning it as fast as he can. ---- and Jonesy walk up to their friends, who are seated around the table. Caitlin: brightly "Hey Nikki!" Jen: happy "Hi Jonesy!" and Jonesy start, surprised by this reaction. Nikki: "Aren't–you guys ticked at us?" Jen: "Why should we be?" Nikki: "Uh, restaurant, twins, double humiliation, ring any bells?" Caitlin: "After you left, it turned out that Todd and I get along really well." Jen: "And Tom and I are a way better fit." Caitlin: "So we ended up kissing the right guys after all!" and Jen giggle. Wyatt walks up. Wyatt: "Coffee, everyone? Handcrafted by my excellent new girlfriend Cathleen." grabs a cup and takes a sip. Caitlin: "Wow, this is great!" Jude: "Phenomenal joe, bro!" Wyatt: "Yeah, I know. I mean, if she can make this, who cares if she likes country music?" and Nikki do spittakes. Jonesy: "Country music?!?" Nikki: "You are using her for the coffee!" Caitlin: disappointed "Oh, Wyatt." Wyatt: "Wha–I can't believe you'd accuse me of something so low. As a matter of fact, I'm just on my way to buy a present for caffeine." what he said "Ehh–I mean, Cathleen. Uh, bye now." leaves, looking slightly sad, as he's realized that he really is so low. Nikki: sarcastic "Oh yeah. This one's got happily ever after written all over it." ---- is inside Grind Me. Wyatt: "Hey." looks up. "I got you a gift." holds out a gift-wrapped box. "Because I care about you." takes it. "As a person." opens the present. "It's an electric coffee bean grinder!" looks at him angrily. "Uh, plus it's great for grinding cinnamon, and uh, nutmeg, and..." continues staring at him. "Oh, it is about the coffee! Wow. I'm really sorry. Can you forgive me?" Cathleen: "Sure. But I won't be making you any more coffee." Wyatt: sighing "Yeah. I kind of deserved that." grabs the coffee in her ex's hands and pours it down the drain. Wyatt: "Not this one too!" sniveling "I'm gonna miss you." ---- and Starr are sitting together. Starr has finished grading Jude's test. Starr: "Sixty-two?" Jude: "Is that good?" Starr: "No, it's very not good. I have to stop seeing you, Jude. I made a pledge only to date smart guys." Jude: "It's okay. Trying to be smart was giving me a headache anyway." rolls her eyes and leaves. Jude sighs, leans back, and puts his feet up. Jude: "Ahh. Being dumb never felt so good." ---- is playing guitar sadly with Nikki and Jonesy sitting next to him. Jen and Caitlin walk up with the twins. Jen: "Bye Tom." Caitlin: "Bye Todd." and Caitlin kiss their boyfriends, who walk away. Wyatt: sighing "I'm gonna miss dating caffeine. Uh, Cathleen. Sheesh!" Jude: "Here, bro." Wyatt a cup of coffee "Your ex-hottie just started her shift." Wyatt: "Finally!" takes a sip. "Mmm." Jonesy: "At least Jude can keep bringing you coffee to remember her by." Wyatt: his drink "Ah." is writing on something. Jen and Caitlin raise their eyebrows. Caitlin: "What're you doing, anyway?" Jude: "Marking my IQ test. Figured I should give it a go for real and see exactly how many slices I am short of a loaf." finishes and looks at the test, surprised. "So?" Nikki: "Whoa." Jude: "That bad, huh?" Nikki: "Jude, you're a genius!" Caitlin: "Is that that sarcastic tone again?" Nikki: "Jude scored 175!" Jen: "Huh?" Caitlin: "He did?" Wyatt: "What?" Jonesy: "No way!" Jude: "Dudes, I should donate my brain to science!" Jonesy: "You might want to keep using it for a bit." Nikki: "Yeah, I think science has enough problems to deal with." Category:Season 4